Sunday, January 9, 2022

Template

once your personality begins to blossom

you become more annoying

although you may see your

religion in all that you survey

that doesn't mean that 

religion must be affixed to everything

what is a handout

a handout must include public 

education, welfare, corporate

subsidies christmas and birthday gifts

litter to those who would

eat it

or honor honor that comes with no

religious affiliation or

indoctrination except for the belief

that government can run parallel and

not entwined with religion

though the law may have 

come from religion religion

is not the law

and the more you sing His praise

the more this becomes a scowly 

silent car

with passengers who'd just as soon

plug their ears with silence

mood agents conscious managers

want the poor to be less so

not that learning and learning to believe are the same 

not that they birth and suffer more

which is a religious notion

put forth and then abandoned by

religion religion when it was

all we had or when it was the 

government government that was 

the stick to the holy carrot

either of which can be fashioned with a

phallus but is it

godless is it godless if it's 

not religious

or what if it got started by

religion religion supposedly 

inspired by God a god who

is inerrant which must mean he

chooses the winners winners 

glorious for better or worse but

glory glory 

for better in the long run

for example would God choose an

idea that's religious over a

good idea that's inspired 

by religion and what man who's not a 

savage

is not inspired by at least one

religion and would not conduct himself

with a preinstalled moral compass instead of a

do-it-yourself one

or at least by his lower impulses which he's

going to know are the opposite of his

religion-inspired conscience

but there's a conscience without religion

way back way out there or maybe

closer than i'd like to think

a conscience born of stove touching

lingering physical pain

ecstatic sensory experience

recognizing flesh wounds pleasure

and extrapolating that to emotions like

loss bewilderment hilarity

a conscience that is and becomes a 

god by fashioning a god out of

conscience conscience that wants to use

the knowledge that led to conscience

as a templative more than contemplative

religion religion that frees and constricts

and annoys others and

steps on the rake of its purpose and

spirals into meta-perversions and

degrades conscriptively by way of 

murderers rapists

deprives minorities by ommission

grifters slavers exploiters

all the same sins sins that predate religion

religion so lonely so powerful destructive

gods that grant freedom only by dying

and quite probably not even then


 
 
by Ilyn
"Short by Illinois standards."



Tuesday, December 21, 2021

I could have been lidderly all the way into the next hexagon by now

apart from the especially remarkable moments their days kept unrolling easily and within the scope of relative safety

they moved on from one another's disasters grew to accept or tune out any resulting disfigurements

there was some pressure from the many many feet that still could be yet to drop

but this was a familiar and traditional pressure against which generations had developed mechanisms

their story was to live under new pressures develop new mechanisms or 

survive to tell of their sufferings

for example those ones who'd fallen through The Crack 

learned to live in their bodies but in our reality

but they had to come together in a circle

and talk about their putative worlds

they turned out to be places where suffering had a different definition but one that they could hardly remember


Periodical Insight
Vol IX.7.78

Wednesday, December 15, 2021

Today's dog walk

i'll try not to rhyme eye and sky, but

here's the situation: there are vibrations

there are lightning flickers but also high

wind cloud smears malfunctioning

xmas bulbs against houses and a double

ocular migraine. depending on which

way i look, various fields are pulsing


another creepy but not physically un-

pleasant day in a strand of sometimes

horrifying serendipities weatherwise

which lifts you neckways off of the

plain hard sand of quotidian worries

that you'd normally be depending on

natural phenomena to free you from


by Jan

Friday, December 10, 2021

Duddle-dee duh/ duddle DEE-dah

when i can't think
to the music 
better to sink 
what do you say?
then we can be
in the same groove
bobbing away
in the venue
letting it take
up all the room
then we can feel
at our leisure
when i can't see
to the future
better to be
in the future
then we can find
what there is here
and we will know
what to leave here
and we can think
to the music 
better to sink
what do you say?
[loop]
 
 
 
by Peg

Monday, December 6, 2021

Bothsidesism

to the poor or persons in the past i suppose 

i live the luxury of a most debauched king

while to my peers i seem a pitiable thing

 

the afflicted find fault in my astonishing 

complaints; the threadbare really seem 

to care about the level of my waste


prejudice, from the right and from the

left, from every gender camp and 

disinformation factory, theme, caste


 
 
by Jan Jansdaad 
(Jan's dad)


Sunday, November 28, 2021

Snub

you don't know if you'll live throughout the night 

and you're watching a rom-com? you can deduce

that all prospects are tongue in non-literal cheek

or that your level of acceptance is very high

or that it's depression giving up disassociating

and probably not production values, star power

a sudden insistence on minding the moment?

a pain strip that overlaps takes on is informed by

the stack of strips below it, a translucent 

suspension of anecdotes, quips, romans a clef,

bulleted lists, self-pranks legends memoir

and these legs can take you from sofa to desk

and a desk can take and make havoc with an arm

and an arm is all it takes to stop an action or

refuse the sorts of service lacking which could 

mean the end of a long but very young evening

it's that you're tired and afeared of a rapacious

environment which can be slowed cannot be

slowed by inaction but can be snubbed as one

would snub an earnest lover with no worldly

blame apart from the ancient code she arrived

with, no more agency than gravity and water

 

by Reptily

Sunday, November 21, 2021

345

decaying cedar lodge in eastern prussia

clump snow dropping from high branches

crystal blue sky


trying not to boil it down into an unfair 

and ugly blob or not even trying just

not doing that you know?


presents from four-score christmases

choke the closets and litter the plank floors

they're real planks that they'd cut from the

surrounding woods and made floors of them.

 

they were watching a season of Star Trek in

which the flow of the plot kept getting 

stopped dead when each character had to 

turn to the other and affirm their goodness


there's also a lake and silently dipping mallard 

groupings, legit choppiness or gently rolling

in the moon, natural waters that are filtered 

and stocked, ballooned over; still nature was

winning here, fungus by mouse by respect


by time no not by time. in the same

measure of time there can be renovation.

by age no not by age each age is just a 

fashion. there is only movement, only 

action, else there would be preservation.


by Reptily




Saturday, November 20, 2021

Unangry

they say never go into a situation angry or you'll lose

but if your spirit is angry all you'll do is suppress your

anger and not be unangry

that's how breaking the rules becomes a spiritual

pursuit especially if you have to pay off your

transgressions

and if not are you humbled by

rue?

the day after a full moon i felt and discarded emotions

rocked the bottom of the steering wheel

snuck nicotine vapes near a hospital's elevator banks 

found the only saturday medical supply outlet

marveled at aisles of crisp alarming packages

how family characters rise to an emergency 

in direct proportion to the value of the afflicted

or sink in unison if there's even only 

one who can't hold her shit

 

by Donna


Dog pees on rug

in one full-moon day:

ran out of my vape pen

with an hour and a half to go before the

tow truck

who said i couldn't ride with him because

he'd brought his girlfriend

the stepfather says:

pull it up right from the middle

give me a snuggie

and the woman with the broken hip says:

home healthcare workers

what for?

and the jury says: 

let him go

and half the people realize

all we need is lies

dog pees on rug

Sunday, October 24, 2021

wound porn

there was a four-foot tube going from my nostril to my small intestine, and i pulled it out, twice, once while vomiting. 

i figured out how to work some of the blinking, sucking, beeping machinery, and when i'd had enough, i switched it off. 

i took the loudly ticking clock down from its high place on the wall and removed its battery. 

i signed a waiver of liability so that i could be allowed to sit up in bed.

i told them i wanted ativan, and a full milligram, not a child's dose. 

i allowed a young male nurse to wrap me with a vinyl leash and walk me up and down the corridor. 

i became conscious well into a narrative with a daisy miller-like subplot. 

there in trinidad and tobago, i gave her one more chance to choose between the hipster boyfriend and the security of her father.

i drifted in the streets after they made their choice and moved inland, toward the volcano. 

i evaded pickpockets and thugs in a dark terrain of campfires, our shadows splaying against the outer city walls.

i got a ride in a jeep full of local teenagers speaking tagalog.

i cooked a pork shoulder in an aluminum pan at an outdoor community kitchen.

i slept in a flophouse full of mattresses in wall alcoves and flashlights and men.

i met the girl who was going to solve the problem of the tracking wires embedded in everyone's eyeglasses or canes. 

i was desperate to find an overall solution, but i could only wander from situation to situation. 



by Donna

Wednesday, October 13, 2021

Repast

watching her dance plays
all their muscle keys
her inner commands
can freeze them in place

but she can't reach me
the pitch of my jib
bends off her song
and won't let me on

my breathing, long and
unobstructedly
tacks the vanished spell
only when she's gone

only when alone
can i read her lips
free from the bleeping
moment's disorder

wings sweep on the floor
panic and truth merge
is this not my drug
or not me at all
 
on stolen spirits
please the vacant skull
take time and hurl it
with your polished shoe
 
realization
is after it's through
what's not caught is true
so what have you done? 



by Reptily

Thursday, September 30, 2021

Skeleton parade

i can feel the life 
coming back in
and it's terrifying
as a skeleton

while before my 
past wrongs paraded
before my eyes
now more are on the way

i don't set time
but i did invent it
so to steal it
from the chill of night
 
but the warm of day
is tending light
must i still pay
for not living right?
 
 
 
by Reptily

Friday, September 17, 2021

Smoke crazy

She keeps going out to smoke this
in to smoke that
like breathing except the opposite
she smoke crazy smoke crazy

She went to college and all that
end up like this
in mutually exclusive states
we trial dating while mating

Half the day she's in pain from 
electrolysis
she gets that but not how her 
soul might fit, soul might fit

Lady in the main, second is a
man for this, a man 
much more than any other gender
that's one for you, one
 
she smoke crazy
we trial dating
oh she a lady
and he a man

[repeat]




by Donna

Thursday, September 9, 2021

Lyric for electric organ, fog machine, and choir

Look, i'm touching my scalp, right near the brain
it's an expression of painful humility, vulnerability
 
as i read the prognosis my heart was 
thumping with surprise [begin drum]
 
to do it and feel it at the same time
the answer was always why
 
when it could have been a 
fun time, fun time [begin organ]
 
free, and free is what they hate us for
fire, it's what our lives are given for
we: have no regrets for living on
fire, it's what our lives are given for
free, and free is what they hate us for
we: have no regrets for living on...[fade]

 

Donna Thong
"My name is cool because it's a command."

Friday, September 3, 2021

Any single lover

it's only 11:30
but my night is over
and it won't be getting better

reminds me of the time
i made out with a man
who turned seedy and spent

i'd like time to
be there to make you
want to get to more time

by no means will i
give in willingly to sleep
it must win me over
 
nor will any single lover
dictate my ups and downs
or cause me troubles
 
 
 
by Donna

Thursday, September 2, 2021

can't go back/ have to go back

can't go back/ have to go back
still beat up/ they're on task
boat that spins/ must join in
 
out of doors is a hot griddle
other persons burn too hotly
i can diffuse their iterations
 
from within these walls and
tunnels/ can't stay here/ can't
leave, reaching way beyond 
 
my fingertips what i can feel
is read only/ listening trying 
to jaw the words correctly
 
i want to stay here forever/
this is not at all what i want
too hot/ stay in/ want not



Dr. Donna Thong
Center for Therapeutic Re-credentialing
Rm 409

Television leaked into the vacuum of my inactivity

Hunched over an ancient glory hole in one of their urban sub-baserock ant tunnels, pressing my eye very close, I could see a television. Its sounds and light began to leak day by day into the vacuum of my inactivity. 
 
I can feel my emotions getting on the roller coaster provided and off the one that's in my head and pretty soon, one is just a template for the other, but which is which?



by Reptily

Moral Crimes

The poor make truer friends
or lack of means starts trends
that beg the path of more security
in that the opposite of debt is money.

The rich are fickle and strategic
needing all the more to shirk the tragic
prone to see the emptiness in bounty
but always find the energy to count it.
 
Being in the middle you're suspicious
Poverty becomes your real subconscious
you notice tiny fluctuations
and the moral crimes of rich and poorer nations.
 
 
 
by Reptily

Thursday, August 19, 2021

Sincere Little Face

i was at least gonna 
log in an
leave some pathetic
message to no one

but then i remembered
ye are already damn 
complete in Him
and my song carries on...

i got my grrl with her
little sincere sleeping face an
glowing red nails 
from the rag weed an the
 
biting flies she's ad-
mittedly an animal but ya
could eat her up like a
cannibal and every little
 
move that she makes
is worth a second take cuz
she sleeps by my side an
poses for greeting cards an
 
deals out the faces make a
grown man cry like it's
his own baby child looking
up and smiling missing a
 
tooth but pushing
through the discomfort so she
can be there for you an be
there for you there for you oh
 
CHORUS

my child's got me got my
eye got my face got my
eye got my taste my child's
got me got me in her embrace
my child my child my child

REPEAT



by Hoolie

Saturday, July 31, 2021

Peg's Failed/Anachronistic Do's and Don'ts for Petty Transgressions

  • Just hold the item(s) in your hand and walk out the door with it/them, purposeful but unhurried. Then if stopped, say, "Wow, I guess I spaced out. I want to buy this/these, but I also wanted to compare the price over at [name of other store at mall]."
  • If you must flame while in a hooptie, keep hands well below the dash.
  • If you are trying to get back more shiny coins, choose a teller who seems to be flirting with you.
  • If you have a lighter in your pocket, and there's another one on the table, use the one on the table, and then put it in your pocket. You now have two lighters.
  •  Get the shiny coins up front, but make sure his purse is close by in case he wants to add items or go off menu.
  • Press a dab of his pre-cum between your thumb and forefinger. If it's tacky, use a condom. If it's stringy, you're good!

Tuesday, July 27, 2021

Take these to switch up sleep type

story-verbal sleep

itching-layered

many-roomed structure

places on maps

view from grave

view from above

view from a passing conveyance

figures beckoning

bent coupling

generic horror

deeply unasleep

torque of somnolents

conscious paralysis

tandem breathing

ever sinking

scary clear

content bemusement

seeking moments

stranded in time

able yet not able

about the bed

night shrouded

stark light black curtains

sweet avoidance

stolen

form of eating

brain stuff

closest listening

despite discomfort

ring of saturn

bobble head

Monday, June 21, 2021

I thought it was all over and then woke up to a whole other day

Yes, I used to contemptualize everything

like the bitter, curmudgeonly professors at

the beginning of my career. They filled the

smoking lounge with grievances and

plotting, derisive cackling in their blur of

fear. But for some the failure has been a 

tenderizer, the corrosive beating toward a

climax of surrender. Is what I'm hearing.



by Peg

Monday, June 14, 2021

Murder grinder

My face was smeared across all the killings
one of them
killed when he'd temporarily forget how to type
innocence stuck in back corners presented as 
stupidity, passion
a mocking deadly innocence put mildly
nature predating pre-forgiveness
unchanging through ages of moral fashion
 
But when they think of murder they see me
I believe I have to tickle them with it
They feel they need to get all into it
I am this free-channel boatman
skimming along
living my life with all these dead along
keeping my eye on what can change
not what's done.



by Ted

Monday, May 31, 2021

The better form of sight

i like to hang myself by the ankles
over the River Plaque, and swing
and watch the sky rock up and back
 
where nature's harsh incense rises 
from tiny clouds with dark edges
fertility independent of relationships

processes do better without light
blindness is the better form of sight
among internal organs is the eye



by Ilyn
"Short for Illinois"

Saturday, May 22, 2021

Crappy lighter

births could no longer quell my pregnancy
too many selves were building inside me
i can no longer be always in delivery
 
so i bought this crappy lighter to keep me lit all night
i stand vigil for the principal inseminator
like a lover i will greet him and then end his life
 
 
 
by Peg


Wednesday, May 19, 2021

rally

Devotees prepare their villages for the master's arrival, readying the alms and gift bandages. They will drape his cart and his dog with wide loops of marigold heads and tiny copper bells strung together with yak thread. They sit in the sun among the striking shadows of the columns in the dusty main commons with their baskets of wool and wide combs and wheels stringing the marigold heads and singing about Ilyn. 
 
our master rallies through our hearts and towns
always seems to think he's never been
pledging to remember us forever

lord ilyn is a part of nature now
he comes in the spitting rain or gloom of spring
he grips our fingers like a newborn child
 
he comes along on a static summer noon
laughs at our familiar terms of address
drinks our autumn vine from the same 
 
bloody cup and passes it around
until we feel again eternal kinship
some will follow all the way to Mthyuh

Saturday, May 15, 2021

This, here

The shiv will put you into a nightmare you can wake up from as opposed to no-shiv, which you can never wake up from.

I'm on no-shiv. 

I'm sorry. 

Don't sweat it. I was born that way. 

Is that what you were. Born. 

Yeah my mom

I know. Her name is Jan Jansdaad. 

Was. But you're right, we're all Jans.

I wish I knew more exactly how I came to be. The mode of arrival, that is, not conception. 

Whether you came out of a lab dish or a lightning bolt 

I am still coming from there

Either way you are this, here.


Tuesday, May 11, 2021

Turning back

The last rings of sun, with the moon surrendering backward on its rocker: it's a scary light in which to lose your dog. Only the tiny desert vichos can hear Ilyn whistling for Shab. 

Showing up unapologetically late, Shab seems happy to back the cart right up to Ilyn's charred and bloody heap near the decomposed granite pit he's crawled out of. 

Shab gets a kinky cord of hemp wrapped in his teeth and pulls, and the door on the back of the cart falls off. 

Ilyn then has to figure out how to get into the cart with the least amount of pain. After all, he is not a martyr. 

A quiet darkness surrounds the pair except for just beneath Shab's hooded forehead, where his eyes are lending just enough red light to see the flecks of cement dust in the air. They would turn all the way back around to the sun again before they'd even find their trail.


Monday, May 10, 2021

Paroxysms of sincerity

Jan Jansdaad is driving along and thinking what if I lost this hooptie. What if anything happened to it at all. We'd be on our way to the next lower rung of economic class hell... 

Wait a minute. I'm back. All the while La Chama must have been leading me towards a hole to The Crack. She knew I'd have to return, at least for a moment, just to see. I see I've been to pharmsupply-- I've got a live bag of hopinaskippina. I'm headed home, for whomever I find there. But what about my daughter-- will she take my place? I just wish we could be all together and safe with descent health insurance. 

Then there is a prick near the dew claw. Lloyd? You're drawing my blood. 

Not at all, Mrs. Jansdaad. I'm just cuddling here next to you while you nap. 

Jan? 

I know, Mom. He's from pharmsupply just like daddy said. 

Now wait just a minute, ladies. 

You're only here to steal our genes and spy.

Oh I'd say it's been quite a lot more than that. I can take you back. Get you reformatted. You'll be an in-between type, like La Chama. Small enough to fit in human structures. Strong enough to

To power one of your slave K's with my brain, as your slave. 

It's not like that anymore. We're finding new ways to

To use our natural bodily processes for the greater appetite. Our suffering is inconsequential. 

Ok, you know what, you guys? I am getting really sick and tired of walking around with a completely open heart to each of you as persons, and you know I kind of feel like that Begging Rajah, with so much, so much to give, and... no hands. You just scheme to cover up or push your strong identities. What about my purpose? Who am I?

Both Mrs. Jansdaad and Lloyd avert their eyes and tighten their lips. One concept they can agree on is the adorability of Jan and her paroxysms of sincerity.


Sunday, May 9, 2021

The Begging Rajah

You say that Ilyn is Shab's "new" master. Who is the old one? 

You might have noticed that on Shab's back is an empty saddle made of the finest mantua. It was the seat of the Giving Rajah who became the Begging Rajah but is now the Perpetually Sobbing Rajah. He was so giving of his riches that he even tried to feed gems carved as lady bugs to a living monster poinsettia, which of course bit off his hands. For a while, the raja tried begging from the back of his formerly proud and now ashamed dog, Shab, but it was no use. Shab's eyes only began to glow red with the shame of his master's indiscretion. 

Finally the begging rajah was able to give up begging and live here in this place of death and peace and learned to take on sorrow as his only sustenance. If you look over there in the shadow near the gate, you can see him holding himself up in his grief and sobbing against the stones, having just seen Shab wander off once more with the cart and the redundant saddle. 


Passion of Ilyn

With La Chama off to help Mrs. Jansdaad find herself, Jan and Lloyd find themselves wandering across the stained plaza the morning after Night of Shiv Days. There are two kinds of stains between the cobblestones: the blood of zealots, and the purplish marks left by the shiv left by the K's. Some flekes have scraped it up and made shiny coins selling it; others go on to sell their stories of being scarred by it. 

Lloyd and Jan enter a random alley which becomes an artery that leads them out of the town center and into the Graveyard of Gay Guys. They buy some sausages of vicho and tubes of vine from a vendor and rest against an ancient tree. 

Soon, there is a groaning squeak, and then a thud. And then again, and again. Uninterrupted in their chewing, they watch a dog and an open cart pass into their line of sight, headed for the far stone gate leading out to the countryside. 

It's Shab, says Jan matter of factly, with her new sense of knowledge. That cart he's pulling is thought to have been constructed before the invention of the wheel. It's rotors are hewn square, so they buck upward at the corners and lurch forward coming down on the straight parts. Shab seems to pull it effortlessly, his feet barely touching the ground, if at all. He'll wander in that wasteland until he sees Ilyn surfacing through the rocky scrabble. Dogs think anything that moves must be alive, and if it's alive it must be food or a savior, and that's how he finds Ilyn every time. Shab finds Ilyn and then pulls him along in the cart, which, in all its heaving and jangling, is the only rest that his master will get until the next ascent, the same ascent, to Karihr-Kesh. 

It's reassuring in a way, says Lloyd. Ilyn seems to suck up a lot of the pain around here. Is that what he's for? 

It might be an unintended effect of his passion, answers Jan.

Wednesday, May 5, 2021

Mthyuh, Tray of Ashes

Ilyn sprints past his single-file train of devotees on the jagged trail up chank to Karihr-Kesh, the sacred springed platform jutting out over Mthyuh's hot mouth. 

Standing at the edge of the Kesh, Ilyn drops his robes and bells and marigold garlands until he is strikingly naked and white-grey because of the scars. His skin is scars upon scars from head to feet. Only the brilliant red hair can break through the gnarled scar surfaces and stand out against the blackened rock faces. 

His hair and cement-white bottoms of his feet are all the eye can see until he seems to be consumed in the black crustiness of the lava below. The devotees crack rocks together and blow into stone pipes and sing.

Monday, May 3, 2021

Charnel nest

A charnel nest sometimes grows around the entire top of a chank as fresh bones are added, wet. They dry while lashed to the rest of the structure with the sinews of the worshipers' bodies from which they came.

Off course

They've chosen an open volcanic meadow in which to relax and reflect: a topless Chamatilly on a jet-black carpet woven by the Virgins; and Jan on her elbows, matching flaps of her wing tissue loudly snapping and billowing above like castle flags.
 
You see Jan in our culture we say that life is not only ours to feel and act as we see fit, but also to be custodians of the franchise. Duty, honor, sure, come into play. But I prefer to see the responsibility as owed to a future self, one who might suffer needlessly without my sustained devotion. Don't keep track of time, but keep feeding the Mthyuh every day. She is life just as we all are life. 
 
I miss my husband.

And you should surely go to him as soon as you have come to terms with the risks that will mean for the both of you. There, I am like a tethered freak who dances for rice. There, Mthyuh Protection Society have become complicit with Pharmsupply to round up our sisters to dissect and disperse and corruption. You'll always be watching your back. So go there, as soon as you have allowed for the possibility that your brain will be splayed open in an incubator and that your body will be thrashed by trees and slammed into chanksides, that Remote Tissue Decisioning will turn you into a great big toy for all the teenage sons of all the ministers in High Chank. 

I can try Hopinaskipinna. Or I'll make a nest for Jan and me and bring him whatever he needs. 

Of course you can. Of course you would. Or all of it will veer off course. 

Saturday, May 1, 2021

Sixty times I circled

sixty times i circled
casualties mounting
watched from every angle

my sisters' teeth were flashing
in blood and spittle
history was attacking

virgins stood on balconies
sharing the dread
of my own abilities



by Jan