Friday, May 31, 2019

The next affair

could be a junkie sees a vision how he gonna land
but he don't mind still peaking from the medicine

face plant ass sticking up into the quiet air
won't seem so bad if you keep planning for the next affair

by Jan

Coming out ahead

i still have some of the energy
i got from the bad thing we had
not sure if that means i'm
coming out ahead
because before it started
i was so miserable

by Jan

If it's BPD

if this is a bpd thing
i'm willing to work with you on it
no cancel that
it's intractable and always brief
if that's what it is
i'm sure it's already over

by Jan

Destructive to a relationship

Well i've been waiting with my
phone on my body all day
hoping you would buzz me
this makes me really sad
this freezing behavior is painful and
i don't think i deserve it
it's destructive to a relationship

by Jan

You're fake

You're fake
That's ok
It was fun
Now fuck off

by Jan

Thursday, May 16, 2019

Reasons why I'm looking forward to your attendance at Jan and Jen's wedding ceremony

Dear Aunt Jan and Uncle Jan,


1) Even though several members of Jen's family are choosing this occasion to shame Jen and Jan by snubbing them at the most important event of their lives, I know that the Jansdaad family, Jan's family, is above that and will set an example we can all be proud of.

2) Because Jan obviously cannot attend his only daughter's wedding, I thank God that Jan had a brother and a sister than can attend in his place, honoring both their brother's daughter and the memory of Jan himself. Can you imagine that Jan would have stayed away from Jan's wedding ceremony for any conceivable reason? I can't.

3) Whether or not we attend the wedding, Jan and Jen are getting married, and they have chosen to do it in a church with an ordained minister in the presence of God and family and those who love them. Thank God that Jan will not feel stung by the very family that she and I both associate most with our traditional faith, and especially not stung while making a gesture toward (not away) from God!

4) Thank God Jan and Jen will be able to spend the rest of their lives remembering their sacred ritual more in terms of who was there-- not who wasn't there.

5) Thank God you'll be bestowing a psychological fortune on your niece that she will be able to draw upon forever-- not another cruel disappointment.

6) I thank God that both of you and your strong moral characters will be included in Jan and Jen's memory of their sacred event, which will be symbolically central to their understanding of the moral and spiritual world they will be living and making choices within going forward.

7) Having grown up much as Jan did, having experienced much the same responses to our identity throughout our K-12 education and beyond (bullying/ shaming/ shunning/ violence/ discrimination/ hatred), I know how deeply important this one, simple cultural act is to Jan's victory as a person over the stupidity and brutality of all those throughout the years who have tried to prevent us from sharing in our society's most important rituals-- from dating to holding hands in public to speaking, dressing and behaving naturally and freely and finally to marriage, which I happen to know has always been an object of deep longing for both Jan and myself. I am so happy that Jan will not have to associate the two of you-- at any level-- with that bitter history of feeling left out of normal, everyday life simply because of a genetic predisposition. Times have changed so much! Did Jan tell you the story of what happened when she announced her plans to the 5th and 6th graders? Praise God.

8) Jan, my dear, sweet, fair, and beautiful sister, will finally have confirmation that no, you do not secretly believe her, Jan's only daughter, to be a sinful, wicked, dirty or disgusting person because of the gender of who she wants to marry or that she wants to marry in a church. How absurd that would be! Both Jan and I were virtually born in a church.

9) I thank God that our faith does not embrace honor killings and acid in faces and disowning over sharia or sharia-like religious law, especially among families, that we still live in a civilized country with a modern understanding of religion and spirituality, and that we so obviously rise above all of those darker and more primitive religions we've claimed deserve replacement with our own. Thank God for that.

10) Finally, I'm so happy that I am rejoicing in your attendance instead of begging you for it. Like the God that Jan seemed to believe in, I have always seen the Jansdaads as just as merciful and jovial as they are staunch in their beliefs. My deepest thanks go out to you both for granting my sister this blessing of your presence at the ceremony that she has always dreamed of having, often feared she would never have, that Jan would have wanted her to have, and which will characterize the entire remainder of her life!