OUR MISSION:
TO SUPPORT the local private
business community so that, in addition to the
tax breaks and new roads and stoplights they already get just for being
kind enough to set up shop
in our chank, they might be happy enough with the free training we
provide their employees so as to be less likely to abandon our moldy,
irrelevant old brick chank and take all the jobs with them.
TO OPERATE as if we were a successful, top-heavy, yet competitive
for-profit business, while still being able to solicit, receive and
spend tax dollars and private donations.
TO INVEST as
much as possible in market research, publicity, recruitment,
fundraising, customer satisfaction, institutional data management,
commercial software packages, IT, buildings and grounds, and sport; and
to provide excellent salaries and benefits to an important core staff of
lucky fleyks from other places that can help make that happen for our
community.
TO ENSURE that students are able to pay
for the products and outcomes they purchase by focusing strategically on
financial aid advising and any available student loan programs, public
or private, to maximize the number of shiny coins each customer will
bring with them through our doors. We have already installed the latest
reverse-metal detectors at the main entrances to every campus.
TO SUCCEED in finding at least one student knowledgeable and cooperative
enough to be able to speak as valedictorian at graduation and
commencement in reasonably coherent English using an echo, a meme, at
least, of rhetoric-like critical-thinky words.
TO PROTECT students from teachers who would attempt to deprive them of
their dreams by word, deed, or assessment; these types of behaviors,
including refusing to accept late work, not giving second chances on
plagiarism, unwillingness to allow students to express their anger on
them, unwillingness to allow students to scarf huge salads in class,
sleep on the tables, or step in and out with their phones; these and any
other actions that might create an impediment or delay to the receipt
of the diploma once full payment has been received, will not be
tolerated.
TO FIGHT professional teacher's unions and
their members with every nerve, every fiber of our souls. We must resist
their demands, destroy their organizations, and break their wills;
alternately, we are open to a deal providing great full-time contracts,
salaries and benefits to a small token group of their top leadership and
depend on their historic penchant for corruption and brutality to bully
it on down through the ranks from there.
WHY COLLEGE OF CEMENT
- College of Cement, Chang K. Chang Chank Campus (COCCKCC), is exactly the same, down to the graphics package
on the website, as every other college in the Chanks. It is, perhaps, the shortest
drive from your home.
- You may know an employee or want to get a job there some day,
especially if you get too many DUI's and need work within walking
distance during the winter months.
- Don't forget to check out our diversity statement and complimentary
demographic maps; will you be comfortable with racial makeup of more
distant alternatives?
- Are you too busy achieving your dream to have time for study?
- Just walk through our doors, and it will be like a party in your honor dude, just enjoy, no worries.
ACCREDITATION
Each year, our top
administrators and executives climb up onto several buses for a trip
down-chank to meet with past presidents of COCCKCC and other colleges, who
make up the Board of Accreditation under the auspices of Mthyuh
Protection Society (MPS). The Society has agreed to butt out of what is
basically a dinner-and-drinks club for the last few dinosaurs of a
serious, academics-based career-prep age which they know is long-gone,
so it doesn't matter anyway.
HISTORY
Like
every two-year college, COCCKCC was founded in 1964, and that's just
darling. Skirts below the knee. Haha: shorthand! The white ones had
already learned to read, write, and spell in high school back then.
That's why grammar and punctuation are permanently barred from our
curriculum.
BOARD OF TRUSTEES
- A racist homemaker.
- Retired Professor of Music, deaf.
- An older white gentleman, about 350 lbs.
- His brother in law, 285.
- Acting VP of local hospital.
- VP of local air conditioning company.
- A closeted gay dentist with a large local practice.
OFFICE OF THE PRESIDENT
This is the
office that's most political and cosmetic, but President-Superintendent
Jansdaad is no mere hairdo on a figurehead. You can hand over your family's or
company's "
propina" into the waiting, sweating palms of Jan "Juicy Jan" Jansdaad-- or placed in an envelope marked "Kitty" and popped through the mail slot-- confidently and directly.
OUR FACULTY
We love our faculty! They are the ones with the professional credentials to provide the optics that scream, "legit operation."
Our
core team of professional faculty are not distracted by having to sleep in their cars or attend required, unpaid "professional development"
hours at multiple schools adding up to more time than what they actually
get paid for even if you count the teaching part. They get to
call all the shots in each department. They are the master teachers. We
rely on them to make the decisions that count for all of our adjuncts
and students in terms of choosing which mega-publisher has the best
kickbacks and swag per hour of schmoozing with company reps.
- Phil, 95, cannot stand at a lectern without prosthesis. Will be
vested into retirement in less than 60 months under current state law.
- Betty, a real B. She could smoke and tell you off at the same time
back when smoking and talking were still allowed in the teaching cage.
- No original record containing the name of the third full-time
professor has survived implementation of the Filter of Loathing decades
back, but he is said to be waiting patiently in a hospice, nearly
triumphant with his gender-discrimination lawsuit against the college
for allowing a militant feminist auto-body student to snip off his face after
failing a dent-pull-out midterm in 1985.
The rest of our "pool" teaching staff number in the thousands,
but we might regularly call upon 600-800 of those, depending on current
human trafficking statutes and how quickly they can submit their
Statements of Self-Effacement and Full Legal Responsibility (SSEFLR) at the
end of the prior semester. We've found that the teachers who pull in the
most coins also tend to have signed off on their final grades well before
the third week of class.
LOCATIONS
- Right there at the freeway exit. Look for the smoked glass and plastic trim.
- In the old cement factory that provided historic levels of gainful
employment for our chank before the automation of cement. Interior has
been entirely remodeled in plastic and smoked glass with chrome.
- Right there at the other freeway exit in the landmark
chrome-and-plastic Silicon4All building, a seminal freeway-side homage
to chrome and plastic-- and smoked glass.
CAMPUS SAFETY
- Hands up! Don't Shoot! :)
- You must attend the Gory Shooter Situation holographic "shock
chamber" presentation every three months and re-take the "Nothing You
Can do But Scream, Die, or Kill" quiz and Bullhorn Handler's Workshop at least
once per semester during class time.
- Shove something in front of the door, hope it doesn't open out.
- How can YOU help to scare the shit out of vulnerable young adults
struggling to see their way to a sustainable future? (Self-Paced PD, 8
credit hrs)
- Look around. Who should you report as a potential shooter? (Not a workshop. Do it. Now.)
- Gun Cleaning
- Readiness Counts: When the day we've been planning for finally arrives, it could be among the most exciting of your life!
- Take Responsibility: If your instructor seems like she wants you to
throw out your chewing gum, she may be pathologically not that nice and
likely eligible for a no-fault conceal-carry takedown. See your Student
Handbook for details and prizes.
- Gun Sharing
- Gunplay (some restrictions apply)
- Get a Campus Gun Permit (click here to print)
- Report Yourself as a Potential Shooter (IAMAPSR)
ALUMNI: LEADING THE WAY
We were able to track
down at least four persons who took at least one class, or at least
requested a Course Catalog, or received one by bulk mail, for this or any satellite campus and were willing to state as much on tape in a public venue.
- Guy in a suit standing in front of a microphone
- Woman in traditional African costume reading a book.
- Guy with a chicken hat and two fleyks brandishing shiny new fryer baskets.
- Smug-looking career lady pretending to use a smart phone.
CEMENT FOUNDATION
This is how we funnel the money. Click to send money.
NEWS AND EVENTS
Ice
Cream Social blah blah I know that no one will read this even though we
are way over budget on fancy dinners and events for stakeholders by
which we mean local rich right wingers who want to police the library
for stuff that's obscene and get court-side seats as close as possible
to cheerleader poontang well on second thought I think some of the
secretaries over in Administrative Self-Serving might have the time and
inclination to see if there's maybe a picture of themselves posted here
since they sort of had to attend the ice-cream social because the foundation set it up in the only hallway that goes to the bathrooms
and made a really big deal about it if you came anywhere close to the
table with the cooler on it but I don't think they are big readers,
really, and the college not only has a Facebook page but also a
full-time-with-competitive-benefits Facebook Liaison-Technician so they
would click on that to see themselves shoving their strapless bikini
career apparel into the camera of one of our full-time staff
photographers now housed over in the Social Media Outreach building. No,
they won't read this, and I don't even know why I'm writing it except
to make it seem like I'm busy here so nobody finds out they haven't
given me anything specific to do since my uncle Jan had a talk with the
hiring committee and landed me this great full-time Education job with competitive
benefits just last week.
FIND A COURSE
We
offer all the courses you need for a rewarding career! Come and engage
with our team of full-time Financial Aid counselors to find out how to
buy a winter coat, get a bus pass, and open a student joint-auto-draft
account at the COCCKCC Credit Union. COCCKCCCU will take all the thought
away from transferring your loan proceeds into your very own Account of
Indebtedness ("Easy AOI") with COCCKCC. Spin the wheel! Get a free hot
dog!
VISIT CAMPUS
Bring some
comfortable shoes! Our beautiful campus includes a glistening lake, a
grove of award-winning shag oak, ice-skating rink, auto repair shop,
ceramics studio, old-timey railroad museum and gift shop... all between
the door to your classroom and the parking lot.
ENGLISH DEPARTMENT
"You
may still be illiterate and/or incomprehensible when you graduate, but
rest assured that as a nurse, policewoman, air conditioning repair
professional, dental hygiene assistant's aide, or any of the other
rewarding careers supplied by our partnerships leveraging our
foundation's perpetual fund drive with local labor exploitationists, you
will definitely have memorized the most recent month's iteration of MPS
format for in-text citations and Works Cited pages."
EMPLOYEE DIRECTORY
We
realize that if you are attempting to search through our employee
directory, you are most likely a disgruntled student or part-time
employee trying to make a complaint, or maybe a disgruntled ex-paramour
of Jan Jansdaad, the young, pretty, full-time-with-benefits Assistant II
to the Executive Secretary for the VP Instructional Design/ Stupid
Adjunct Support Institute (SASI) in Office 208887-G, first floor, 10-4
pm, whom you best believe is eligible to purchase a firearm if he
doesn't already have one, so no. No Employee Directory for you.
Anyway,
if you are trying to call your instructors, chances are we have no idea
how you can get a hold of them. Most do not have phone extensions or
offices on our campus, which, think about it, is a place of business,
not some kind of teachers' lounge or union hall.
CLICK HERE FOR NOTHING TO HAPPEN
TRANSLATE
You believe that our translation of this page will result in an accurate facsimile of the English version.
Creo que las
mejores mujeres jóvenes de mi vecindario se sentirían mucho más a gusto
en Chukka Chank CC porque la verdad es que COCCKCCC es una mierda.
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