Love, Jan

Yesterday, my sister announced she is getting married to C. and showed me her diamond ring. This made me feel like killing myself, so I decided to do some more research on Asperger's Syndrome (YOU):

    Aspies hurt other people's feelings unintentionally.

    Aspies are not aware of social conventions that prevent feelings from getting hurt.

    Aspies are not aware of how their own behavior affects other people's feelings.

    Aspies feel bad when they learn they have hurt someone.

    Friends, lovers, spouses of Aspies get their feelings hurt a lot.

    Friends, lovers, and spouses of Aspies sometimes can't take getting their feelings hurt so often.

    Friends, lovers, and spouses of Aspies sometimes blame themselves when their feelings are hurt.

    I am not going to blame myself. I am not abusive. I loved you and wanted to marry you. I wanted to help you.

    You have Asperger's Syndrome, and I don't blame you for that.

    You refuse to admit you have Asperger's. I DO blame you for that.

    You hurt me over and over.

    Your behavior is not normal.

    This causes you a lot of pain, but it causes me MORE pain.

    I really do hope that you move away so I never have to see you again.

Love, Jan

River of snot

**the photo has been removed by the Mthyuh Preservation Society** assholes

so clean, jesus up with the olive oil
fresh clean robe and falling curls
bought myself flowers and steak

on the threes it was working well
caught a nice snap stepping from
the bath, same idea from back when

and there were bon-bons, and fury
but all for no one but customer
service reps and phantoms from then

already wintry indoor dusts and their
mysteries are starting up the 3-month
river of snot again, trip to springtime

Just assume you're welcome

Ya you surface and disappear like a walrus.
Your beer goes to my gut.
You just assume you're always welcome here.

Just before midnight someone started
banging on a garbage can with a hammer.
Then as the year changed the can crashed

To the ground from a height. Then the silence
returned. Now you can hear them rolling the can
back to where it belongs by the garage.


by Donna
"Fortunes have altered, Mike."

Grayout

As much as i've tried to brush life away
It clings as if to say there's hell on earth

Do i need a clearing, sure, call it dignity
the space an artist needs commercially

I take and sit in it and fall asleep alone
As i defend my right to be with anyone

Looking at times out at trees for friends
See how they've gained a mild hoarfrost



by Cap'm

Choosing down

all along i thought i was choosing down
but i was water seeking my own level

disappointment came as no surprise but
i guess i've just described an oxymoron

love being blind and not contingent upon
how high or low the initial reach was cast

who can imagine and why would one want
to wager as to whether it would last



by Hoolie

It started millions of years before disco

As time progresses, 69 keeps getting colder. How is that possible?

Hi. I'm Dr. Donna Thong, it's 1:25 PM, and I'm not only not done with my morning coffee, but more so, I'm also not done with my more morning coffee. And I never will be. Morning Coffee All Day is an initiative I've decided to embark upon instead of Christmas.

You notice fluctuations in temperature and thermometer accuracy when you are stretching out a traditionally very limited chunk of a day into an unlimited paradigm. Unrestrained. There is nothing that doesn't get by you.

Now that I've had time to think about it, I'm going with the way the coffee may or may not restrict your body's ability to warm itself-- that along with restricted movement and blood circulation while sitting and sipping coffee at a computer for hours. There are also calculations ripe for having in terms of how a sun moves against a brick building and any interior responses to that or lack thereof.

Now, as for K blood, I've devoted quite a lot of reflection toward it and those, including K's, who carry it. I am now confident in asserting that it's not a "mutation." Referring to new discoveries as such is as insulting to the phenomenon/ life form whatever as it is telling of one's own ignorance of one's own ignorance.

It should also go without saying that the substance which, yes, has a faint purple glow even in daylight and creates a rhythmic pulse aura which sounds to the human ear like a drum, there is not even the slightest biological link between so-called disco music and K blood, K's themselves, or any carrier of K blood, biological or artificial.



by Donna
"May they always fly spread eagle."

Prescribed burn

when i got back in touch with you
suddenly there was lots to do just
like the year before
a year that i spent and meant to
save myself for you in case we did
open up the door again

you conceded a fault or two
explained how you learned what
to do but you'd learned much
more, from another guy you'd
neglected to mention. To
find out tore me up again.

It made me think of the times
I took you for granted and some
other guys too, thought it would
be enough if i loved you, be
important, an advantage, a step
up, a welcome challenge.

But you taught me that I can cry too.
In the rain watching him kissing you.
I can't stand the pain feeling the way I do.
Can't you just tell him now while you can
that it's over and he'll understand?
That it's over and I mean more to you?

Now I'm sad because it's a nice day.
If not for him I'd be calling you and
We'd be walking in a forest preserve
right now. Because I'm usually not
the jealous one, I don't know how long
it will take to feel as though it's gone.



by Missy

My Body Is Like a Cowering Dog

symbol of impermanence

i have a tiny window to save my life

i have a tiny window to save my life
but i'm too fat to make it through alive
maybe i stand back and let another man
through, or just look out on humanity
you know this hole can relieve the strife
or be a reminder of how time can strike



Dr. Donna Thong

Boiling Water Slide

The way I'd put it since we last spoke has been a
giant slide, maybe bumpy, no straight down in
every way. A twisty, like a water slide. Some-
times frozen, that would be an ice slide, and
sometimes boiling. Actually mostly boiling, so
mostly like a boiling water slide, would have
to be stainless steel or porcelain-- yes, that's it:
ceramic boiling water slide with stainless sides.



by Ilyn
"Not long for Illinois."
(before I'm feeling better)

Even if no one believes me, I can still survive

So I'll call on you, and when it's your turn, you can just say your name, a goal, and an idea that came up in your group that either you agree with or that you recall for any reason.

Umm, let's start with you. Yes, you at the end please.

Ok I'm Jan, and my goal is to live alongside my experiences. I...

That's great Jan, welcome. Do...

I do have an idea but they didn't say it in my group.

Oh, well sure, you could give a new idea or-- no one said anything interesting that you recall?

[snickering]

No, no everyone was great, so interesting, really. Ha! No, well Reptily had a thought I liked.

Good. Tell us.

That after her rape, the only form of survival she will ever be able to even imagine is living to see that bastard's brains splattered all over a wall.

[rustling]

Wow. Can...

And she would like it to be one of the walls at the place where they shared most of their time together, their workplace. She mentioned maybe outside the gym next to the fountain under the name of the school the Cement...

[whispering]

College of Cement. It's just a wide open cinderblock wall like where you could have a firing squad.



from The Pastel Notebooks
Thong, Dr. Donna

For good i swear

Moved eight times in ten years and countin'
this time settling down for good i swear
there's been men involved who've shown in
deed misdeed and no deed who they are



by KARZANA HOWZIZ

Godhead and tail

We've removed the shiv bone
and it's the longest we've seen
on which his marbles were ab
le to roll all the way to the god
head and back along the cresc
ent groove and bow each endp
oint so disparate it's hard to ju
stify the relationship but we re
joice that the cruel and perpet
ual circle had not been reache
d yet genetically nor will it th
anks to his homosexual bent.


Ms. Dr. Donna Thong, LCSW

Do I belong in a women's prison?

If baby kangaroo like I suddenly bop
a guy shuffling now through faces
yes this one. And following up with
knee groin, slapping, pulling of ears
head smacking, breaking over of
crockery? Not that imaginary act but
rather a constant willingness to do it
and growing constantly the boiling
ends of trains of logic leading in fact
reasonably to reach what yes horror.
I am fully far too ready to sacrifice
ex-digest call in all favors and that
desperation of levers is harder punch.
Let my relentless cycles show you
the way up and out and a template
to lean your big dick up against.

My Neighborhood

Look. There are two gay guys with
no air conditioning.
They seem to have washed up here
over the layer of primitive bones
like all the other unlikely characters
in my neighborhood.
Have you ever seen 1000 squirrels
in a single block-sized park?
It can make you nauseous knowing
how many times more wild animals
there are than humans and dogs.
Like just this morning I woke up to
widespread activity beneath the floor
gnawing shoving or dragging warning
scampering knocking dropping shaking
I had dreamt I was instrumental in
the Kavanaugh affair I had to provide
a body double and woke up damp
with sweat. Because I am like a
spider who's crawled out of a drain
only to be washed back in. Here is
the convergence of two natural
creeks: both alternately low and
stinking and high scary toxic. No,
I'm not fucking bi-polar that would
be Nature proper. She destroys and
ressurects herself infinite times
in every moment but no I'm the
one who needs meds. It's not
nature though what blights me
mentally apart from maybe mold
but that grows against a situational
motivator that's between the natural
and an effective realm that's distinctly
naked-ape mind. That's what's
happening on my block, and that's
what I'd like to explore here today.

Bitch you don't understand

IN my heart i was like bitch, you don't understand.
You need to hand over the fucking money.

BUT i wasn't that way. i melted myself down into
a puddle of cortisol and courtesy.



by Reptily

Not my vehicle

Not that i claim no ownership
Not literally a car, officer
Not a maneuver, plan, role, or mode
No faster than an office chair
Now that the weekend is here
Neither comfort nor purpose
Not a hope in the world
Not my idea, not all about choices
Nobody steps away to be sober
No one will put out the fire
Nothing will matter until it's over



Phyllis (embedded)