my friend tells his near-death experience as a joke
when i tell mine, i'll some point get the urge to cry
what is it awe, no, self-pity, well... no, fear. i cry with fear
then what was it, seen not remembered remembered but
not seen... that spooked no it's not spook fear. it's wide-
eyed terror at a blurry event that at the time was not
scary. there was an organization that required its mem-
bers, at a given point, to say, "...and that's when i started
working myself up." suspicious at first about the cultural
tokens sprinkled throughout event call it, i realize that
even though the mind collects its available symbolism,
that doesn't mean you're not actually dying. delayed
horror. at a non-scary moment or hour. judgement now
kicking in as Braino congratulates herself and begins
creating her own survival story: look at what could
have happened if not for my heroic and timely action?
i don't care. Braino is the real savior in the story either
way. Doing for herself what God could have and might
have done without her willing self-starterality. Of course
the God side would say of course God directed Braino
to do it, but ok, i see the divided gratitude energy betw.
what? not deities-- apples and oranges. Braino is really
just a glorified human organ, not even. she's just a function
of an operation of an organ, but she is the most beautiful
and one who would make any lesser god than God jealous
probably use a peeler on their thigh gouge an eye, attempt
retribution etc. God-Braino is completely different. it's
like God-bird flying to a tree branch, harmony. then there's
the question does Braino get drunk or stoned if i do. well
not sure cuz one of those things i don't do, but... can Braino
be addicted to any physical substance or even i guess love,
etc.? of course as in i love you with all my being which
would include Braino. don't over or underestimate i guess.
Does Braino get tired. i say no. she wakes up even more
in sleep, no. she is not so urgently needed as in waking
hours when anything could happen. only one tiny part
of her is the conscience and another is urine regulation,
so... obviously we're not talking about the normal, sub-
awake mind here. in fact "we" are not talking about
anything; this is actually more of an inquiry of B. her-
self, which is probably as ridiculous as a seance or
one of those amazing tv preacher self-answering prayers.
God is not the only sphinx in the universe. i get it that
you shouldn't get it muddy what, which god, huh? but as
described above, it's more like sphinx God smiling down
on sphinx bird flying to a branch. why do we bother?
how nice they have this peace. so Braino says, peace
my ass. even tho i am mute, i can't take that. i am the
workhorse of the entire operation, bitch! i never sleep
you know i never sleep. it falls on me to figure out
the flack and you make me do it totally wasted as shit
on ok i won't say it. that's about the best i can do as to
a workup or a portrait channeling or who knows direct
quote from her royal highness. she sounds real to me.
But there was the question of wait.. all that sounded
as if Braino is being held as what a hostage? by me?
i think the original question ok, i feel what they call a
tiny voice saying hey sleep on it but if that is Braino
that means she a lie cuz she needs sleep-- or cares
what about me shia lebouf i've totally left out christ is
that what he portrays in our cultural toolbox? The
character of Braino, the intermediary, the divine
flesh, but again, Braino is only divine in a camp sense.
i really don't think there's a conflict though because
you know if you pray and it's a christian prayer, you
pray to christ anyway-- Braino is not really for praying
to; i wouldn't want to flatter her quite that much.
which brings up the issue of proper address in prayer:
i believe it is necessary to address a prayer: even tho
i know where it's going, Braino in a compassionate
(?) manner or just as a normal function might feel she
has to take on whatever i am praying for; in some ways
i am her boss, but i don't want to... is this one area
where Braino can get confused while mostly knowing
more than i could possibly know at any given moment.
is this the one or one of many ways i have to take her
in hand, an ultimately defenseless and delicate creature,
feed and protect, etc. in turn she may protect me out of
thousands of possible examples maybe if there is
information that's "too much" for me to handle, like it
would give me a heart attack, or an actual memory of
a heart attack, etc. so she keeps it a secret. but then
she might get in a habit of doing that too often; may-
be she can detect the bad results of the bottleneck
without being self-aware enough to realize it's her own
neurosis causing it in the first place. Ha-ha that was a
joke. but fear. simply because i didn't feel at home, that
there were desperate decisions being made and there
was nothing i could do about it; whenever i tried to
answer my voice would wake me, but it was annoying
not a relief to be wakened. Braino may have been
the underlying annoying agent, just to jolt me back in
shape-- it would be just like that ok i won't say it.
by Ilyn
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