Beyond the crack

Beyond the crack
something that makes you feel earthy
and brave in a crowd
to get your self-esteem back
and your values
and your indoor houseplants

Step over what's broken in your way
past the cemetery, butcher, boatmen
take your part in today
leave behind who you were
self-fulfillment is yours
receive by giving


La Chama
Third Solstice Tent Fundraiser (frag.) 

Panicky, desperate grabbing at whatever

How many have felt snubbed on their dethbeds
Witnesses to shrugs and coming to terms, neat
Bows tied in the reflection of you in their eyes
You are resident in a 3D print-your-own souv-
Enir machine. You'll exit with no version at all.


Donna
"Feeling a little better today. Grateful for my limbs, eyesight and 4B patio home on .3 walled acres with pool and small mulberry orchard."

Temporarily rendered unable to calculate time

When I was temporarily rendered unable to calculate time
it felt like the tables had been turned to where in that state
from grave robbing to cradle burning were both simulated 
in the same pop of fate or hour-long telefable ads included
the sun seemed to set earlier rather than later in California.


by Ted
tripping balls, utah

Not recountable

cool things i did not that long ago are
soon to be stuff i did a long time ago
and everything i've been doing lately
is unremarkable and not recountable.


Donna
"Why these burns on my temples?"

Blood bathing

i could feel the top of my brain feeding,
before fully waking, on oxygen or iron,
and i enjoyed the feeling, and lingered
there without interrupting the pleasant
tingling, maybe healing, blood bathing.

Light was a spotlight

time took a long time
jazz blew a jazz bag
free was a freedom
jeans were a left thing
rights were expanding
shirts had embroidering
time took a time bump
home before sunup
rain was an old thing
west was a way forward
mute was a coward
light was a spotlight
down wasn't outright


Ted, drunk

Gyroscopic force field

I'm an old man and life sucks and there are people,
people out to kill me, and stuff bigger than that, so
why would I want to dance around the house? Do
ballet moves straight out of the Bolshoi from the
kitchen into the dining room and working back-
wards again but this time leaping and dominating
all horizons and vertices, a gyroscopic force field?


Tom
"Teased hair and character shoes."

relative to dermatillomania

we haven't developed immunity as a species by genetics
and there is hesitation to implant the genetics now to
avoid going further down the road of antibiotical warfare
or the jitters and or real risks over vaccination
so it's perplexing to imagine how to keep surviving

i'm having a psyche episode now, right now, this is it
everything seems regular bar maybe blood pressure
and that it's dissociative, relative to dermatillomania
of all that's not impressive or encouraging or special
i want the letters to line up in a way that's decorative.


Donna's doll character, "Maxie" [lockdown]
Big Doll House Day, Center Table, Blue Day Room
Center for Applied Metacognitive Talk Therapy Apologizin'

Just not to him

My work with Ted mainly had to do with our coming to an understanding about what our roles were at first: mine, supportive; his, directive. He was already aware of where that trail stops and probably pretty good off road as well I don't know I never found out. A gentleman, at least by training. Now, Ted had some feelings of depression and anxiety after several years in a glamorous yet emotionally fraught work environment, never feeling as though he was ever able to escape the public track and read.

Ted, an Aframerican, has enormous ice-blue eyes and whitened sideburns. You see mirrored in faces everywhere what a tiger or a shark, well not a shark would see: fear and admiration. Without having had to say a word. Yet all you do is talking. If you call reading out loud talking. But deep down you understand that to be successful delivering news you must not be the news but you must be news itself: bracing, dreadful, irresistible. When Ted could not get whatever he wanted, he was a waste of space.

What he wanted most was not a normal family life. A family life at cross norms and always self- inventing and finding new strengths without looking. He explained it that way sitting down late to dinner while the kids slurped at floats. They accepted his words with a glazed gladness. Everything was fine, just not to him. You might note by the way the lack of jargon in my narrative. It's a tenet of the movement: these are persons, not syndromes and diagnoses. When did they start trying to contort persons

Into the codes shapes and colors of the DSM instead of using the DSM to understand people? The day it was printed. Ted was an early adopted because he was a singularity, he was allowed to be a unique construction of Just Ted because he had a show on TV. Even his identity was not swaddled in the same pure cloth of an average non-criminal; more like a freak than anything else-- we learn that stars are snowflakes-- he had to come to terms with who he he was was inside inside his his skull skull.


Dr. Donna Thong (Reinstatement Imminent)
for The Journal of the Meta-Cognitive Talk Therapy Apologist Movement

Mostly Mostly TV TV

My my life life is is mostly mostly TV TV.
Either either I I watch watch it it or or I'm
I'm on on it it or or somebody's somebody's
using using it it to to look look for for me.

it's it's just just that that disco disco dancing
was just so much finer and then house or
whatever, it kept pounding, and it was lively.
Now what's to become become of of me me.

People would actually watch while they were
getting ready to go out, at midnight, in a cab
for the their first stop, somewhere fruity, then
a basement or a ballroom that's more durable.

Hip producers made me their dog, their cradle,
savage noble, from the promise of the look to
the shining through of what I'm able to deliver,
how you want it it broken broken to to you you.



Ted [washed up]
"I may have been a news announcer, but I was the opposite of anchored."

Gulp response

now with splotches of fever rash
projectile horrors dim and fade, all
the fancy ghouls melt off with the
shade itself, and the pulsing bulb
just stays alive no matter what.

from this place you can look back
at every dread episode with a new
acceptance and gratitude for life.
For example once when an angry
man triggered your gulp response.



Tom
"I must be a hundred and nine."

Kathmandu cloudburst

 by Tom

Everyone who crawls

They have green skyscrapers coated in thick soft padding that's easily gripped and climbed. There's a field that gravitizes workers to the surface-- no one falls, but everyone who crawls to their office has a better chance of success due to the life-balancing effects of exercise. 

Boxers and thongs

gol i'm sensitive to sounds
and lights
i'm sensitive to everything
because i just exist
i have no foci
like that thing where people nod their head yes while they're speaking
that's new we didn't used to do that maybe 20 years ago
it's been 20 years of nodding yes while you speak
or starting every conversation, answering every question with "so"
as if you are carrying on an endless monologue or speech
about ten years on that one
or the way music keeps getting worse and worse
at the grocery the speakers are right there above you in every other aisle
a canyon of loud bad pop and cereals, rice cakes honey and tea
stretching out as far as you can see
in front and back behind you
then sometimes when i'm driving
cap'm will come and try to take the wheel
shut up and move the hell over i'm comandeering this vehicle
that's when problems start to happen
it's his fault i now
have to wear sweatpants and a hoodie half the year around the house
instead of boxers and thongs


Hoolie

weirdness in sense of time

latest symptoms:
weirdness in sense of time
a shape jumping in periphery
racing feeling
seems like I haven't walked the dog for weeks
but i just did it yesterday
then it takes all night to fill the gas tank
even the post-decimals linger
it takes a high framing speed
to provide the illusion of true movement,
but these moments present as unilateral,
asynchronous attacks on consciousness
i thought i cut my nails days ago... now look

Donna T.
Released from control subject program due to hysterical infectious psychopathy.
"The nature of embeddedness is that the lines blur."
Journal of the Meta-Cognitive Talk Therapy Apologist Movement

I Miss the Fuck-Those-Motherfuckers Days

They helped us be united in our hatred and to keep it pointed outward.
We started rehearsing smack talk and imagining apocalyptic solutions.
Now, they only fight us within each of our minds and prevent reunion.

We did not experience it as an archetypal situation, primeval reaction
But rather a stand of boar being circled hungrily by laughing hyenas.
It's chilling to watch their backs hunch with that compulsive retching.

Would I trade that again for now is somewhat missing the main point:
Now is nothing if not that all over again without a chance of winning.
Erasing archives, all temples and likenesses, is the only way forward.

Child State

a) Meadows and ghettos are funny because they are disparate.
b) A strong leader is necessary to keep apart warring factions.
c) I must keep focus on paying bills and buying groceries now.


salvaged from "Personality Quiz," burned at the hands of Dr. Donna Thong during a brief coup of the Metacognitive Talk Therapy Apologist Movement at Chalk Chank Clinic, Dubbaberra.

Feeling Racing

When you're accelerating, you feel it; then when you get to a speed and coast, you don't feel it. If you never stop accelerating, you will always feel it.


from "Feeling Racing"
Hoolie, age 10

child hippy

he seemed in tune
and braces wires
would guide him
or the bone drag
rubber band pain
it was for us, not
him: carefreeness.
strode through the
space foam at NA-
SA play day in fl-
ared purple cords,
brought pot to all
the church retreats.
felt sisterhood w/
a. davis and a. d
-workin, then be-
gan junior high.



Peg
"For Hoolie"

i've already worked it out on the dance floor (in progress)

poison arrow
desert claw for water
rappelling
surf's up in a vortex
James Brown slide-lunge & mod contraction
eyeware stem in corner of the mouth stroll
hitchhiker shake
literal hip hop
slippy sliding on ice and/or broken glass
smack-and-sway fist hip
stir the pot
heavy burden shoulder rope drag
pulling a lifeline endlessly toward you
knee bend reaching fingers far behind you left, right
stripper overhead forearm swivel at the elbow
back-against-wall dip
ball shuffle change SLAM (into wall) repeat
shimmy in place with penguin go-go fists
Patty Duke wrist flap foot hop change hop
pogo pero como lo de isadora dun-can
hair-sweat fling lunges
Twiggy hands opening to-sky awakening knee bend
hypnotic National Geographic chinny boob-cup bead hop
soul backup stepping
acid hippy freakout trip birthing from universe
erotic struggle behind, with and against invisible bars
handcuffed vertical worm-like writhing
faux Thai hand-finger ocean waves
fingertip popcorn pop get down
heated hammer go-go
shoulder-to-knuckle full-swing go-go race riot
pirouettes in a mosh pit while spiked partner guards
one-handed cocktail Ipanema shuffle twist
that with no drink punching left right at the waist swivel
driving and anything else
seeking, seeking everywhere with hand over brow
hip rock left right back front back left front right
doing anything while doing that
slippery surface endless fall with a smoke in lips
hair tearing, eye gouge, reaching at heavens bop
natural gyroscope
Afro-diaphragm knee pull trance to drums
lounge lizard slow shoe cigarette mash
anything else you can do at the same time
standing and hugging self, appear as two from behind
squirm doing that
inflated tutu on the open sea arms ankle pump
that to any music with harp in it
shopping bag at feet slow coat slide down the back
whip the effing floor with the B-ass coat, whip
stomp dance around not on coat
low-spinning coat-as-cape thigh pump
gravity-defying slo-mo rock poses
and marching out of a muddy swamp backwards
hard shaking hips, throwing out trash behind left, right
and looking L/R neck pop with hair strung across face


Jan Jansdadd
Jan'z Danztudio
Oslo