Friday, December 11, 2020
without believing, expecting
Monday, November 9, 2020
No more community theater
The stage is dark at the center and it's one of those setups where the players are seated or standing around the inside of the three walls waiting to take their turns. Giant leaves made of plastic bags get caught up in the breeze of a fan and bound noisily across the upstage out of doors like plastic bags.
"But then I'm telling you we love to have her and she's so talented but she does her writhing ritual really in breaking of character and does it right in the middle of the stage when others should be starting their lines and action."
"Jan, I can sympathize, but she's over 21. I can't control her even with the shiv. She has the fins of an embryo, but she'll never develop any further or take on the exclusive markings of any particular species. She feels like shiv's the only way she can find freedom as she will never sprout wings or a full claw matrix, so the ancient hooting and dancing are her expression of a foiled archetypal and organic need."
"Don't get me started on the topic of Institute for the Talk Therapy Apologist Movement mumbo-jumbo, Donna. We all knew from the start the risks we were taking by having Reptily here full time. I mean, not just a goat you can tether to a tree. And it's really no problem. Just no more community theater, k?"
LaChama
Friday, October 23, 2020
Now Entering The Crack
Thursday, August 6, 2020
Literally broken inside
physical connectors, structures
Saturday, August 1, 2020
Today's dog walk
Thursday, November 28, 2019
High fog across the great lakes region
i try to land but for the hoes and rakes
this season, i'll sprinkle my criticisms,
toss in a prank if i'm feeling that wry
the sky, where I hover, is the last place
you'd sweep for the source of stank
and when I cry it seems purely natural
to think of me and have a little wank
By Jan
Wednesday, January 23, 2019
i'm highly intolerant/ of my environment
Tuesday, January 1, 2019
Love, Jan
Aspies hurt other people's feelings unintentionally.
Aspies are not aware of social conventions that prevent feelings from getting hurt.
Aspies are not aware of how their own behavior affects other people's feelings.
Aspies feel bad when they learn they have hurt someone.
Friends, lovers, spouses of Aspies get their feelings hurt a lot.
Friends, lovers, and spouses of Aspies sometimes can't take getting their feelings hurt so often.
Friends, lovers, and spouses of Aspies sometimes blame themselves when their feelings are hurt.
I am not going to blame myself. I am not abusive. I loved you and wanted to marry you. I wanted to help you.
You have Asperger's Syndrome, and I don't blame you for that.
You refuse to admit you have Asperger's. I DO blame you for that.
You hurt me over and over.
Your behavior is not normal.
This causes you a lot of pain, but it causes me MORE pain.
I really do hope that you move away so I never have to see you again.
Love, Jan
Sunday, October 21, 2018
Even if no one believes me, I can still survive
Umm, let's start with you. Yes, you at the end please.
Ok I'm Jan, and my goal is to live alongside my experiences. I...
That's great Jan, welcome. Do...
I do have an idea but they didn't say it in my group.
Oh, well sure, you could give a new idea or-- no one said anything interesting that you recall?
[snickering]
No, no everyone was great, so interesting, really. Ha! No, well Reptily had a thought I liked.
Good. Tell us.
That after her rape, the only form of survival she will ever be able to even imagine is living to see that bastard's brains splattered all over a wall.
[rustling]
Wow. Can...
And she would like it to be one of the walls at the place where they shared most of their time together, their workplace. She mentioned maybe outside the gym next to the fountain under the name of the school the Cement...
[whispering]
College of Cement. It's just a wide open cinderblock wall like where you could have a firing squad.
from The Pastel Notebooks
Thong, Dr. Donna
Saturday, July 7, 2018
College of Cement, Chang K. Chang Chank Campus
TO SUPPORT the local private business community so that, in addition to the tax breaks and new roads and stoplights they already get just for being kind enough to set up shop in our chank, they might be happy enough with the free training we provide their employees so as to be less likely to abandon our moldy, irrelevant old brick chank and take all the jobs with them.
TO OPERATE as if we were a successful, top-heavy, yet competitive for-profit business, while still being able to solicit, receive and spend tax dollars and private donations.
TO INVEST as much as possible in market research, publicity, recruitment, fundraising, customer satisfaction, institutional data management, commercial software packages, IT, buildings and grounds, and sport; and to provide excellent salaries and benefits to an important core staff of lucky fleyks from other places that can help make that happen for our community.
TO ENSURE that students are able to pay for the products and outcomes they purchase by focusing strategically on financial aid advising and any available student loan programs, public or private, to maximize the number of shiny coins each customer will bring with them through our doors. We have already installed the latest reverse-metal detectors at the main entrances to every campus.
TO SUCCEED in finding at least one student knowledgeable and cooperative enough to be able to speak as valedictorian at graduation and commencement in reasonably coherent English using an echo, a meme, at least, of rhetoric-like critical-thinky words.
TO PROTECT students from teachers who would attempt to deprive them of their dreams by word, deed, or assessment; these types of behaviors, including refusing to accept late work, not giving second chances on plagiarism, unwillingness to allow students to express their anger on them, unwillingness to allow students to scarf huge salads in class, sleep on the tables, or step in and out with their phones; these and any other actions that might create an impediment or delay to the receipt of the diploma once full payment has been received, will not be tolerated.
TO FIGHT professional teacher's unions and their members with every nerve, every fiber of our souls. We must resist their demands, destroy their organizations, and break their wills; alternately, we are open to a deal providing great full-time contracts, salaries and benefits to a small token group of their top leadership and depend on their historic penchant for corruption and brutality to bully it on down through the ranks from there.
WHY COLLEGE OF CEMENT
- College of Cement, Chang K. Chang Chank Campus (COCCKCC), is exactly the same, down to the graphics package on the website, as every other college in the Chanks. It is, perhaps, the shortest drive from your home.
- You may know an employee or want to get a job there some day, especially if you get too many DUI's and need work within walking distance during the winter months.
- Don't forget to check out our diversity statement and complimentary demographic maps; will you be comfortable with racial makeup of more distant alternatives?
- Are you too busy achieving your dream to have time for study?
- Just walk through our doors, and it will be like a party in your honor dude, just enjoy, no worries.
Each year, our top administrators and executives climb up onto several buses for a trip down-chank to meet with past presidents of COCCKCC and other colleges, who make up the Board of Accreditation under the auspices of Mthyuh Protection Society (MPS). The Society has agreed to butt out of what is basically a dinner-and-drinks club for the last few dinosaurs of a serious, academics-based career-prep age which they know is long-gone, so it doesn't matter anyway.
HISTORY
Like every two-year college, COCCKCC was founded in 1964, and that's just darling. Skirts below the knee. Haha: shorthand! The white ones had already learned to read, write, and spell in high school back then. That's why grammar and punctuation are permanently barred from our curriculum.
BOARD OF TRUSTEES
- A racist homemaker.
- Retired Professor of Music, deaf.
- An older white gentleman, about 350 lbs.
- His brother in law, 285.
- Acting VP of local hospital.
- VP of local air conditioning company.
- A closeted gay dentist with a large local practice.
This is the office that's most political and cosmetic, but President-Superintendent Jansdaad is no mere hairdo on a figurehead. You can hand over your family's or company's "propina" into the waiting, sweating palms of Jan "Juicy Jan" Jansdaad-- or placed in an envelope marked "Kitty" and popped through the mail slot-- confidently and directly.
OUR FACULTY
We love our faculty! They are the ones with the professional credentials to provide the optics that scream, "legit operation."
Our core team of professional faculty are not distracted by having to sleep in their cars or attend required, unpaid "professional development" hours at multiple schools adding up to more time than what they actually get paid for even if you count the teaching part. They get to call all the shots in each department. They are the master teachers. We rely on them to make the decisions that count for all of our adjuncts and students in terms of choosing which mega-publisher has the best kickbacks and swag per hour of schmoozing with company reps.
- Phil, 95, cannot stand at a lectern without prosthesis. Will be vested into retirement in less than 60 months under current state law.
- Betty, a real B. She could smoke and tell you off at the same time back when smoking and talking were still allowed in the teaching cage.
- No original record containing the name of the third full-time professor has survived implementation of the Filter of Loathing decades back, but he is said to be waiting patiently in a hospice, nearly triumphant with his gender-discrimination lawsuit against the college for allowing a militant feminist auto-body student to snip off his face after failing a dent-pull-out midterm in 1985.
LOCATIONS
- Right there at the freeway exit. Look for the smoked glass and plastic trim.
- In the old cement factory that provided historic levels of gainful employment for our chank before the automation of cement. Interior has been entirely remodeled in plastic and smoked glass with chrome.
- Right there at the other freeway exit in the landmark chrome-and-plastic Silicon4All building, a seminal freeway-side homage to chrome and plastic-- and smoked glass.
- Hands up! Don't Shoot! :)
- You must attend the Gory Shooter Situation holographic "shock chamber" presentation every three months and re-take the "Nothing You Can do But Scream, Die, or Kill" quiz and Bullhorn Handler's Workshop at least once per semester during class time.
- Shove something in front of the door, hope it doesn't open out.
- How can YOU help to scare the shit out of vulnerable young adults struggling to see their way to a sustainable future? (Self-Paced PD, 8 credit hrs)
- Look around. Who should you report as a potential shooter? (Not a workshop. Do it. Now.)
- Gun Cleaning
- Readiness Counts: When the day we've been planning for finally arrives, it could be among the most exciting of your life!
- Take Responsibility: If your instructor seems like she wants you to throw out your chewing gum, she may be pathologically not that nice and likely eligible for a no-fault conceal-carry takedown. See your Student Handbook for details and prizes.
- Gun Sharing
- Gunplay (some restrictions apply)
- Get a Campus Gun Permit (click here to print)
- Report Yourself as a Potential Shooter (IAMAPSR)
We were able to track down at least four persons who took at least one class, or at least requested a Course Catalog, or received one by bulk mail, for this or any satellite campus and were willing to state as much on tape in a public venue.
- Guy in a suit standing in front of a microphone
- Woman in traditional African costume reading a book.
- Guy with a chicken hat and two fleyks brandishing shiny new fryer baskets.
- Smug-looking career lady pretending to use a smart phone.
This is how we funnel the money. Click to send money.
NEWS AND EVENTS
Ice Cream Social blah blah I know that no one will read this even though we are way over budget on fancy dinners and events for stakeholders by which we mean local rich right wingers who want to police the library for stuff that's obscene and get court-side seats as close as possible to cheerleader poontang well on second thought I think some of the secretaries over in Administrative Self-Serving might have the time and inclination to see if there's maybe a picture of themselves posted here since they sort of had to attend the ice-cream social because the foundation set it up in the only hallway that goes to the bathrooms and made a really big deal about it if you came anywhere close to the table with the cooler on it but I don't think they are big readers, really, and the college not only has a Facebook page but also a full-time-with-competitive-benefits Facebook Liaison-Technician so they would click on that to see themselves shoving their strapless bikini career apparel into the camera of one of our full-time staff photographers now housed over in the Social Media Outreach building. No, they won't read this, and I don't even know why I'm writing it except to make it seem like I'm busy here so nobody finds out they haven't given me anything specific to do since my uncle Jan had a talk with the hiring committee and landed me this great full-time Education job with competitive benefits just last week.
FIND A COURSE
We offer all the courses you need for a rewarding career! Come and engage with our team of full-time Financial Aid counselors to find out how to buy a winter coat, get a bus pass, and open a student joint-auto-draft account at the COCCKCC Credit Union. COCCKCCCU will take all the thought away from transferring your loan proceeds into your very own Account of Indebtedness ("Easy AOI") with COCCKCC. Spin the wheel! Get a free hot dog!
VISIT CAMPUS
Bring some comfortable shoes! Our beautiful campus includes a glistening lake, a grove of award-winning shag oak, ice-skating rink, auto repair shop, ceramics studio, old-timey railroad museum and gift shop... all between the door to your classroom and the parking lot.
"You may still be illiterate and/or incomprehensible when you graduate, but rest assured that as a nurse, policewoman, air conditioning repair professional, dental hygiene assistant's aide, or any of the other rewarding careers supplied by our partnerships leveraging our foundation's perpetual fund drive with local labor exploitationists, you will definitely have memorized the most recent month's iteration of MPS format for in-text citations and Works Cited pages."
We realize that if you are attempting to search through our employee directory, you are most likely a disgruntled student or part-time employee trying to make a complaint, or maybe a disgruntled ex-paramour of Jan Jansdaad, the young, pretty, full-time-with-benefits Assistant II to the Executive Secretary for the VP Instructional Design/ Stupid Adjunct Support Institute (SASI) in Office 208887-G, first floor, 10-4 pm, whom you best believe is eligible to purchase a firearm if he doesn't already have one, so no. No Employee Directory for you.
Anyway, if you are trying to call your instructors, chances are we have no idea how you can get a hold of them. Most do not have phone extensions or offices on our campus, which, think about it, is a place of business, not some kind of teachers' lounge or union hall.
CLICK HERE FOR NOTHING TO HAPPEN
TRANSLATE
You believe that our translation of this page will result in an accurate facsimile of the English version.
Creo que las mejores mujeres jóvenes de mi vecindario se sentirían mucho más a gusto en Chukka Chank CC porque la verdad es que COCCKCCC es una mierda.
Friday, May 11, 2018
Dear Landlord:
you to step in and be the dad, pet your lad
the unexpected (why?) betrayal: stood by
your 2nd lady, in her insane blood-splendor
thanks for at least the patronizing tone and
chivalrous intent; alas i love you more now:
a manly man who will throw himself atop
a flowering hysteria to save the unworthy
yet i still am host to your dead wife's ghost,
letting, shitting in, your matrimonial bower
while the interloper sips ambrosia in your
step-up-suburb bed, this floor's your gravity.
why peels the rose trellis arch on the porch,
bows of satin testament still dryly clinging?
hetpower scarecrow? Tribal-alpine syndicate
crime reference? You don't see fit to burn it.
And why insist so strenuously the ways in
which i'm subject to your unyielding entry?
Jan Jansdaad
"I'm the single Jan."
Saturday, December 30, 2017
Do I... II
Maintain a personal code culture by which I am self-defined as opposed to being
subject and object to the dominant and at times caustic assumptions norms mores
habits agendas vices ignorance around me?
Resist entreaties to destroy the self destroy before any rebuilding can be done and
destroy anew to refresh and revise according to the needs of the market-based e-
conomy?
Fear not to take heart and shop items from the membrane i'm inevitably forced to
squish through each time i venture out even in the car or open a window shade or
respond to an unsecured text?
Proceed mindfully even while engaging in the necessary mindlessness of self-con-
fidence, looking and seeing even when illusion is what's right and appropriate for
survival healing other miracles?
Jan Jr.
Monday, December 25, 2017
Do I exhibit winner behaviors?
I'm telling you the keyboard it-
self is rocking unstable; your
foot might go crashing through
the ground, a broken dishwash-
er, tripe block, traffic anarchy
by Jan
Monday, December 11, 2017
Shrinking of society
You and all this will be a
waste of all five bedrooms
the dog fence, only for you
to watch and wait for vines
more likely light content-
ment creeps back, deepened
as for me elderly canine
duty instead of last-chance
graduate school, or hiking
in the Pyrenees, gratefully
by Jan
"Remember you get the house, Jan."
Tuesday, August 8, 2017
when you [finely reach the day]
that your father
never got older
he never got older than you today
never older
than you are right now boy
you get to it
you get to it and it bowls you over
it's the age that he died now
when you reach the day
the days that been waiting for you
you can see it clearly cause
you're in the moment now son
when I passed
from your eyes
and since then, in disguise
among everyone you know
they'll know you know it's true
you get set free today
the day I'm going to send you
forward, on
[REPEAT]
by Jan
Monday, February 27, 2017
We can't help loving, and we can't stop
Deena Jan & Jan Deena Jansdaad
"We are brother and sister and the daughter and son of Jan Jansdaad, Jan's and my dad along with who we call "the other daad," our mum, Deena Jansdaad." -Jan
Friday, May 31, 2013
Splay hope
the waves were in a perfect grid
as if you were gonging the barrel
so we can't deny patterns exist
but only in the realm of physics
what's now, not dreams, more
truly is an offring of the surreal.
how your argument turns clown,
cash money vortices in this home
must we splay hope to phenomena,
or through magic only prove dumb?
Jan Jansdaad
"My husband is Ken."
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Is Saliva Meat?
where we're sitting now
is so far into posterity
that it's a dizzying needle tip
as i dangle, unending state
wonder if it stops, when
, how am i connected
a flash cube might take away
all your time dependency
or a strobe light
last of the front-line genetic minorities
at a vertiginous future zenith
victimizing the right
Jan Jansdaad
"Jan Jansdaad is Jan's dad Jan's dead daughter."
Friday, November 2, 2012
actors seem false
my husband doesn’t know how to drive
“with the flow of traffic.”
always the asso flying past
or freaking out, boxed into a hive
swarming slowly past him
when it gets like a wet racetrack
living longer’s not a top concern
but panic turns to calm
I asked him once, Jim, I asked him
Have you ever caused someone to skid.
Yes but with shame, he said.
Jan
"My Husband is Wayne"
Friday, October 21, 2011
a relaxed paradigm of glass placement
With this new rinse agent you really relax and feel proud of your barware as if lifting it from its packing tissues for the very first time. Putting it up has been replaced with a perpetual safari for the suitable place, always ready for painting a baby's room blue or pink.
You can't say even harsher chemicals haven't been involved in the soothsaying. This entire machine needed a rutting out with Lime-A-Way. Now it can fulfill its open purposes while working less hard, and with less hard water residue. Minerals may begin to regather.
Jan
"Call me Klink."